Starting today!

I can't say that I will never complain on here, but I can say that I will be trying REALLY hard to be positive and show the good things happening in our life.

My new motto is simple..."Those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind". So, if you are reading this, you are probably one of those that matter, since you haven't minded my whining and complaining. hee hee

The last year has been rough on me and on the kids, but we are starting to come out of it and that is the main thing. They are starting to adjust and are doing better with the schedule, as long as they come home to me to sleep, all seems to be ok. They absolutely love school and learning spanish. They have great teachers and I love them both, they are so easy to talk to and are good with the kids, etc. We are very lucky!
Ashley is seeping better and we are out of accidents again. Now, we are working on her temper tamtrums and whining. But, that is an average 5yr old girl I have heard. She is in Girl Scouts and really likes it. I am training to be the troop leader and I can't wait to do these things with her. Conner is bummed to have to wait until he is 8, but I don't want to get him in a cub group through school, just to change it to the church group later on, KWIM? Ash is my girlie girl, that can get down and dity with the boy though. The bruises on her knees match her wild attitude. Bossy, but fun. I am thankful to get rid of her spunky attitude sometimes, but can not ever give up those moments of her crawling on my lap or in my bed to cuddle. That teeny little body is so easy to snuggle with!
Conner is my mama's boy! All the way my sweetheart. He can have attitude, don't et me wrong. But, in the end...he is going to be one charmer! He holds doors open already, he compliments the girls at school, and the teachers. he is jsut a lovey kid and I am so thankful for his sweet spirit. He is so smar too, always wanting to learn more. he loves homework, so that helps with me alot, since his sister is the total opposite of that!

I lost my job this year and I am not working right now, but it is ok. I am going to go back to school ASAP and add to the resume by doing some medical billing and coding. I love working in an office and I wanted to do medical, just not needles. So, this will be a good role for me, since I ahve always done office work and this just ads to my experience. Plus, it is something that doesn't go away. So, for now, I have been able to go to the kids school and help with the computer lab, parties, teacher help, etc. I like it, the kids like it and I get to see how the school works. It is really fun for me.

So, this part is personal and it is ok for me to say, if you don't want to read it, then please don't. But, I will not apologize for my feelings anymore and I am not saying anything that you probably don't already know anyway, right?!?!
My relationship with Derek (DK as he is known in notes and texts) is pretty shot, I can't even imagine being friends with him right now. But, I smile and fake it with the kids, because that is what I am supposed to do. I went from a best friend, that loved me the way I am and supported all I did, and vice versa. To a soon-to-be ex that says things to me out of anger in front of the kids, and I am somehow, always the bad guy out of it. I shouldn't have to explain those words or actions to them at 5 years old, and I shouldnt' have to monitor conversations. You know, I get it, we are moving on. I am no longer a priority to him, or to his family, and I am accepting that. But, why do things like this get so ugly? I am learning (albeit slowly) to accept this and not let things get to me. It is tough (especially at Christmas) when you have been someone's everything for 12 years and part of a family, etc to just drop it and to just be dropped. But, this is the year to let it all go and realize, it is changed and that is ok! I hpe things change to where they are the priority for him again, but right now, they just aren't/ It breaks my heart for them to want to come home here all the time and when Conner won't talk to him on the phone, but at the same time, I can't force them to feel things, just like I can't force him to see things that have and continue to happen. It is ok. This year, not going to let it get to me and hopefully this paperwork can all get finalized and I acn get closure. it continues to hurt, and continues to be hard, but I ahve proven to have some kick-butt friends and family through this and I am so truly blessed. 

Things I am working on already, not as a resolution for next year, but for my furute and for the kids future...
I am working on me! Started working on my weight and I am only 7 pounds away from my 1st goal! I feel good, I am getting out and doing things, instead of sitting around or sleeping, or wallowing in a pity party! :)
So, I will continue that, and trying to feel good about me, because I can't get myself out there, feeling ready for a new life and whatever it brings me, if I can't feel good about me!
I am working on my responses to things. Not only with DK, but with the kids, with family, with strangers, etc. I have been impatient and if I can see it, so can everyone else and I am trying to get that back to a good state.
I am working on being a better example to the kids too. That goes with my prayers and church too. It is a daily thing and I know that. But, when I am rubbing their back for bed and they say their prayers, I know I am doing something right.
I am working on what I want out of life, I mean, I know what I want in a partner and an example of love for my kids, but what do I realy want?!?! doesn't everyone say it and think it? Well, I am going to look into it too!

As for now....things will be better, starting now! I will be diligent about writing and keeping up with things. Starting now, we will take this new life we were forced into and make it GREAT and memorable. Because I am the mom and that is my job, right!?! :) They are and continue to be my #1 priority and I would do anything for them.